Wednesday - April 9th - WWJD? Heck if I know, he never had boobs!
I am at that point where I do not want to make any more decisions about my health, my future and my body. I am frustrated and overwhelmed and want more than anything to go back to the way things were - When I was healthy. Little did I know, when I was "healthy," I had a little asshole of a tumor growing but at least I was unaware. Each time a prayer was said at the dinner table or in passing moments there was always a "... and thank you God for my health" somewhere in there. I can no longer say that. I have to thank God for catching a disease early enough so I can stay alive. Now, future praying will include a "please God do not have me go through this hell again..." Funny how that changes over night.
Lately, my mind has been consumed with bilateral mastectomy information and hormonal therapy choices. Do I want to remove both of my breasts and call it a day - Not necessarily. Do I want to go through radiation and hope to God that I don't suffer any long term side effects - No. Do I want to be on hormone therapy for 5 years, that comes with another laundry list of side effects? Heck no. Would all of these choices increase my chance of living a long and fulfilling life - Yes. So what would you do!?! Its overwhelming, I know.
I have my moments (and today is one of them) where I want my long blonde hair back. I want to have the annoying task of shaving my legs every week and sweating my butt off because I just had to spend 15 minutes blow drying & straightening my hair. The things I found annoyance in, will never be the same. After all of this is said and done I will be happy that my mascara is all over my eyelids because my eyelashes are too long and thick again. I will appreciate that my left eyebrow arches perfectly without any help and my right one chooses to grow stick straight. And I will down right embrace the crap out of my 80's rock n roll hair that my dad gave me! Life will truly never be the same for me - After I kick cancers ass.
I will tell you what I know now - today - and that is, I have chosen to do a Bilateral Mastectomy + Reconstructive surgery regardless of my BRCA gene findings. This decision was difficult to make and there are several factors as to why I have chosen this route. But in a nutshell for me, its a peace of mind. If I undergo a lumpectomy + radiation, yes I conserve my breast but at what cost? Radiation has some very unfavorable long term symptoms. With a complete bilateral mastectomy, I am removing the site at which a reoccurrence can happen. If a reoccurrence were to happen 5 years from now, I want to be able to look back to this moment and know that I did everything I could to prevent this from happening again - With that being said, I would only feel that way if I had a bilateral mastectomy. It will not be a pretty process or a cheap one but its the price I pay for my life and I am completely content with that!
I am at that point where I do not want to make any more decisions about my health, my future and my body. I am frustrated and overwhelmed and want more than anything to go back to the way things were - When I was healthy. Little did I know, when I was "healthy," I had a little asshole of a tumor growing but at least I was unaware. Each time a prayer was said at the dinner table or in passing moments there was always a "... and thank you God for my health" somewhere in there. I can no longer say that. I have to thank God for catching a disease early enough so I can stay alive. Now, future praying will include a "please God do not have me go through this hell again..." Funny how that changes over night. Lately, my mind has been consumed with bilateral mastectomy information and hormonal therapy choices. Do I want to remove both of my breasts and call it a day - Not necessarily. Do I want to go through radiation and hope to God that I don't suffer any long term side effects - No. Do I want to be on hormone therapy for 5 years, that comes with another laundry list of side effects? Heck no. Would all of these choices increase my chance of living a long and fulfilling life - Yes. So what would you do!?! Its overwhelming, I know.
I have my moments (and today is one of them) where I want my long blonde hair back. I want to have the annoying task of shaving my legs every week and sweating my butt off because I just had to spend 15 minutes blow drying & straightening my hair. The things I found annoyance in, will never be the same. After all of this is said and done I will be happy that my mascara is all over my eyelids because my eyelashes are too long and thick again. I will appreciate that my left eyebrow arches perfectly without any help and my right one chooses to grow stick straight. And I will down right embrace the crap out of my 80's rock n roll hair that my dad gave me! Life will truly never be the same for me - After I kick cancers ass.
I will tell you what I know now - today - and that is, I have chosen to do a Bilateral Mastectomy + Reconstructive surgery regardless of my BRCA gene findings. This decision was difficult to make and there are several factors as to why I have chosen this route. But in a nutshell for me, its a peace of mind. If I undergo a lumpectomy + radiation, yes I conserve my breast but at what cost? Radiation has some very unfavorable long term symptoms. With a complete bilateral mastectomy, I am removing the site at which a reoccurrence can happen. If a reoccurrence were to happen 5 years from now, I want to be able to look back to this moment and know that I did everything I could to prevent this from happening again - With that being said, I would only feel that way if I had a bilateral mastectomy. It will not be a pretty process or a cheap one but its the price I pay for my life and I am completely content with that!
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