Chemo Day - 3rd Cycle

Friday - March 21st - Chemo Dose # 3

 

I spoke too soon or didn't knock on a wooden table, that is for sure.  Third dose - Not fun.  The infusion day itself was fine and I felt good walking out of there but by Sunday I was feeling the list of symptoms creeping up.  About two days too early if you ask me.  There is nothing regular, normal or consistent about this process - that is for certain!  And apparently to the outside world I am making this chemotherapy thing look easy.  I get consistently complimented on how well I look and how well I am doing and how well I am taking in all of this cancer crap and honestly... I put on a good front.  Really, I do.  On my bad weeks I would seriously like to crawl under a rock and place a sign outside saying "Leave me the f$@# alone until 10 days post chemo - Its for your own good - Thanks"  but instead I buck the heck up, take 1 measly day off from work to "recoup" and grin and bare it through a laundry list of symptoms you would not wish on your enemy (or would, who knows) - AND I obsessively smile. 

 This is my nature and I cant help it!!  Some may think that its unhealthy or freakin' awesome that I can smile my way through this but I would prefer not to depress the every day people in my life with my cancer.  Hence this blog!  Id rather dish it out here and when you feel like reading about it - Great!!  I'm happy to inform you of anything you'd like to know, the good the bad and seriously so un-pretty.   CANCER flat out SUCKS. Who cares what chemo does to me physically, I can deal with all of that.  At the end of the day, every single day, sometimes multiple times a day its what this process does to me mentally.  I am reminded constantly that I could die if I don't go through with all of this.  Who wants to live like that?  I do my best but some days are more difficult.  Having two little boys is both a blessing and a heart ache while going through this ordeal.  Some days they are what get me through the bad moments & they are the reason I fight so hard... and other times I look at them and my heart hurts thinking that if chemo doesn't work and there is a reoccurrence in the future, they may live a life without me.  The rollercoaster this disease puts you on is ruthless!

... What gets me through is Scott - My sons - My Family - My Friends and LOOKING FORWARD!  I have this huge desk calendar at my office and I use a bright pink happy pen, I mark all of the birthdays for the month, I jot down my date nights, Concerts, PAID days and I sure as heck draw fancy swirls and highlight the shit out of CHEMO DAY!!!  Because I know the day before chemo I will have an amazing facial to get me relaxed & ready for what's to come - and I know that the 1 day off that I do take post chemo, I get to spend alone with Scott... going to breakfast, watching movies and relaxing, just us two!  These little things get me through.      

Symptoms this round:
* Burnt Mouth / Tongue - Biotene Helps / Nimbus Toothbrush's are the best  
* Lack of Taste Buds (I hate this symptom! I am such a foodie) - Nothing helps
* Mucositis / Hives / Inflammation ALL in the downstairs area (TMI) - Benadryl works somewhat
* Mild Headaches - Tough it out with Tylenol (NO IBU)
* Deep Bone and Muscle Ache - Norco
* Nausea - Queasy Drops + Medication
* CONSTANT FATIGUE - Sleep
* Finger Tips and Toes are extremely sore, feels like they've been shut in a car door
* Acid Reflux / Indigestion / Heartburn - Omeprozal + Pepcid AC
* Hot Flashes Galore which causes major lack of sleep

 

 

****************

In other news! 

 

We split the boys up on Sunday for some 1-on-1 Day Date time!  It was so much fun and well needed.  Scott took Logan to the Owyhee River at the border of OR and ID for some fishing and shooting (not my fave but boys will be boys!)  Logan came home with the BIGGEST SMILE on his face and all lit up like a firecracker.  They had a blast! 

I asked Luke what he would like to do and in mellow Luke-E-Do fashion, my 5 year old wanted to go sip hot cocoa at his favorite coffee shop!  The kid cracks me up and is SO like his mother!!  After, we headed on over to our favorite arcade - Grinkers.  That place is such a blast and the cheapest fun ever!

Scott & I (and my schnazzy wig) on date night Saturday :)  It is so nice to get out sometimes but man I am down for the count by 10pm.  We cut out of the festivities early, grabbed dessert and sat up and talked!  All those virgin Bloody Mary's did me in and I was paying for it all day on Sunday - Go figure!

Wigin' Out!

Wednesday - March 19th - Having a bad "bald" day!

My Real Hair                     My New Wig!

 

Not too shabby for a fake head of hair!  I am completely jazzed on the quality and volume and how comfortable it is to wear!!!  I was having a bad "bald" day and luckily had a wig consultation scheduled for that evening.  I met my mom at the shop and spent about an hour and a half trying on wigs!  It was so much fun to play around with different styles but at the end of the day, I just wanted my old hair back.  So that's what I went with!  The most true to form wig I could get my hands on and I am so happy I did.  I think for me, staying inside the box on this purchase was a good thing.  This wig makes me feel like "me" again and I couldn't be happier!  

I went into this chemo ordeal thinking there's no way I'm going to put fake hair on my head.  NOPE. Not happening.  But after being bald for about a month (and constantly freezing my butt off!) I thought Id give it a try.  My wig specialist Pam made me feel very comfortable and I was pleasantly surprised with how relieved I felt after I put on a head of hair!  I don't think my smile could have gotten any wider. I FELT like a woman again!  I got home and could not stop brushing, styling  & smiling.  I am so thrilled to have a head of hair on days where I don't want to be bald or have the public take 2nd glances when they see me walk by.  It gets old & the shock value I found hilarity in, is now gone... I cannot stress enough how normal I want to feel and THIS wig is the answer to my prayers!

Wig Specs
http://customizedhair.net/
Consult with Pam  
Synthetic - Medium Blonde w/ highlights - Long / Size 23
$150 for the Wig
+ Additional for Shampoo / Conditioner / Leave In Conditioner / Styling Spray





Chemo Day - 2nd Cycle

Friday - February 28th - Chemo Dose # 2

I had missed posting about my 2nd dose of chemo on February 28th!  I hadn't realized until now, when my 3rd dose is right around the corner... I blame chemo brain.  Seriously. Forgetting things happens more often than not these days.  Unfortunately my work is suffering for it and sticky notes & calendars have become my closest companion! 

The 2nd chemo infusion was a breeze.  No joke!  I cannot believe I just wrote "a breeze + chemo" in the same sentence but I'd be lying if I said that it was just as awful as the 1st dose.  I definitely have this down - I pack my cute chemo tote with movies, magazines, slippers & candy and hunker down in the infusion chair for 3 hours to enjoy some peace out time with my mom and whomever wants to tag along! 

What was different:
* My dose was lowered by 10% due to the intense reaction the first time
* I started my steroid prescription on time (the day before chemo) 
* Took Benadryl pills the morning of chemo so I didn't have a bad Herceptin reaction 
* They started the Projeta 1st - Then Herceptin - And "best for last" Taxotere (chemo)
* Drank water like a fish the days leading up to chemo - VERY IMPORTANT!

I was a bit fatigued once the Taxotere drip started but when the infusion was done, I hopped out of bed, laced up my shoes and got the heck outta there with zero delay!  Headed home, made dinner & even vacuumed the house.  FAR CRY from dose #1 that is for sure!  After steroids the day before - day of - day after - by Monday night I was coming down with the aches once the steroids wore off.  By Tuesday I woke up feeling like I fell out of a 3 story building and landed flat on my back (took the day off work).  The body ache is unlike anything I have felt in my life & my bones just outright hurt - This is when my good friend NORCO comes in!!  After an hour or so I start to feel functional and need to move around.  Moving my body and making sure to just walk is actually very helpful rather than posting up in bed all day.  I ended up walking the mall that day, top and bottom and by the evening I could have crawled under a rock.  Instead we headed to our CLIMB class at the hospital for the boys and they had a great time once again! 

I somehow kept my emotional breakdowns to just 1 for the week.  I had dropped the boys off at school before I headed into work and when my youngest leaned over to hug me, everywhere he had touched just hurt.  My body felt bruised and I just needed him to not hug so hard.  That was it for me, I cried like a baby on my way to work and called Scott and my Mom to commiserate.  It broke my heart that I couldn't take in a hug from my child.  The worst. Feeling. Ever. And it broke me down.   

By Wednesday I was feeling better and continued to go up hill from there.  My symptoms were very well existent but managed this round with my army of prescriptions, vitamins, etc.  I had this down and was not going to be defeated this time, nor show up at my doctors office crying for help again!!!  With that said, it was in fact by far a lot easier than my 1st time.  And NO FACE BREAKOUTS!  Oh dear gawd was I nervous about this.  I had a wonderful Oxygen Facial from the amazing Theresa at Blessence the day before chemo and was on my skin regimen like white on rice to avoid that horrific inflammation and blistering again.  I will take on any symptom but NOT THAT again!   

I had finally accepted some dinner help and so happy I did and thankful for those who came by with a meal for us during that week.  I try very hard to work 40 hours the week after chemo and by the time I'm home, standing up to cook dinner for all of us is the last thing I am capable of doing.  It was SUCH a relief to know that I didn't have to cook!  A huge thank you to those who stepped in and did this for our family - You are so very appreciated, more than you know!!! Having to accept help is a very difficult thing to do.  I don't know about you, but I would rather do something myself than ask for help because its difficult to relinquish a duty that I feel I should be doing - regardless of my ability to do so.  Its a mom thing I suppose!  But this is the best time than any, to give it up and let go of the reigns.  The support and love I have all around me has been a driving force and my Thank You's cannot come out of my mouth fast enough  <3 

 

My good friend Sarah stopping by for Chemo Day!

Embracing Baldness

 

 

Seriously jonesing for my hair today.  Luckily I have way more GOOD days than I do bad in this department... However I just want to "look normal" again.  The attention that this hairdo grabs is starting to wear on me and I'm opting for beanies more often than not when it comes to being in public.  I get out and about and usually score a compliment or two every time but my sarcasm has not been appreciated lately, "You are rocking that hair cut, I wish I could pull that off!!" - My response - "Thanks! Its called the chemo cut".  Yeah, not funny anymore.  I find myself looking at old pictures and even missing the hair I inherited from my Dad, you know that whole finger-in-light-socket look with a bit of wavy frizz & rock 'n roll (middle photo!)  I successfully pulled off the 80's hairband look by simply stepping out of the shower ... and then spent a good 30min straightening and curling the mop.  Now, Id give about anything to have it back!   

My search for hats, scarfs, beanies and wraps is ON!  I already have a large collection and you know that feeling when you put an outfit on and you are so not feeling it.  Well, I get that feeling with my outfit AND with my cap that does not match quite right.  Double whammy!  I completely dig visor beanies right now and I am on a desperate search to find one in every single color under the sun!!!  No one tells you about how unbelievably COLD it is with zero hair.  My PJ's consist of long sleeves, sweat pants, socks & a thick cap.  So not sexy - Poor Scott!  But at the end of the day, this is what's cool about losing my hair (yes, I have a silver lining) once chemo is over with in June, it will take about 2 months for me to start growing hair and how cool is it to start fresh with new, untouched hair that has zero dye & heat damage!  Yeah, I have to be a total baldy and find new meaning with head wear and massive amounts of eye liner... but what woman wouldn't want a new head of hair?!  Not to mention the chemo curl I am hoping for :)  I think of this and grin from ear to ear and I get so excited!

Becoming more of a baldy these days, rather than the G.I. Jane look!

 

 Sporting my fave - the visor beanie, at the Lady Antebellum concert!

BRCA1 / BRCA2 / TP53 Genetic Test Results In

Monday - March 10th - "Think NEGATIVE thoughts!"  

 

 

 

 

BRCA1 - BRCA 2 - CDH1 - PTEN - STK11 - TP53 Genetic Testing came back NEGATIVE!!!  Now what does this mean for me?  It means I get to keep MY BOOBS!!!  I think any girl would be unbelievably stoked on this news!  I literally cannot stop smiling when I think about it.  On Monday morning (after 5 painful weeks of waiting for my results) I called the genetics counselor and she had just gotten my results back.  After pleading a little bit to give me the news via email, she refused and instead squeezed me into a 445pm appointment that day.  Both Scott and my Mom met me at the Cancer Center and we met with the counselor.  When she said it was NEGATIVE the biggest relief came over me.  I cannot describe how it feels to be told that I get keep my breasts and bypass reconstructive surgery, along with keeping my ovaries.  Wow. Just Wow.  To date, every - single - test has come back GREAT and I could not feel more blessed, thankful, lucky & ALL of the above!  With my results coming back negative, I will now have a minor lumpectomy procedure done IF there is a tumor left by the time chemo is finished mid June - After, I will go through 6 weeks of radiation.  This will not be fun and radiation is a scary thing however between both options, I much prefer and hoped for this one!  

 

I AM FULLY DIAGNOSED FROM START TO FINISH!!!  This is it.  I am DONE with diagnosis.  There are no more tests.  This is a huge feat, I cant even tell you.  The diagnosis process is the most stressful part and now I am prepared for what's to come once chemotherapy is over with.  But to be honest, it does not put my mind at ease.  I am sitting here - 30 years old - Fighting breast cancer.  This isn't "normal" this isn't "common" and the chance for cancer in my future is higher than the average.  This does not sit well with me.  For the rest of my life I will have to be tested and every time I go into that tube or have my breasts smashed between a machine, I will have fear.  Cancer changes your life in so many ways and finding a new normal when all of this is said and done, will be interesting. 

 

From the beginning my thought process has been "attitude is everything" and "I will fit chemo into MY life, not the other way around" and so far I have lived & breathed this thought through smiling even when I am irritated from steroids, going for a walk even when my body hurts so bad Id rather lay in bed and redirecting my negative thoughts when fear creeps in.  I have felt the fear of the unknown and the reality of death at such a young age, but I refuse to dwell on it and I will move forward from this with more fight in me than I had going in... I will always fight for my life.  We all would, given this situation!  I was talking to a breast cancer survivor (Diana - You are amazing!) and she mentioned how interesting it is that people tell us how strong we are and that some are inspired by us and how we power through this challenging process - but we sit here and think "do I have a choice!"  That's exactly it!  What would YOU do?  What would you do if you were told that you had to fight for your life?  You cry it out, you crawl under a rock for a brief period and feel sorry for yourself... then you buck up, dust yourself off and you FIGHT!  Personally, I have 2 small children and wanting to watch them grow into amazing young men, get married and have children of there own is enough to get me through the worst of chemo's.  But if I inspire you, if my story makes you re think what truly matters or if it made you give someone an extra hug - That's enough for me and I am so very happy to have made any positive impact at all!  It makes my heart smile :)

 

St. Baldricks Foundation Event

Saturday - March 8th - Let The Shave Begin!

 

What an event!!!  And I was so happy to be apart of it.  The turn out was amazing, as you can see from the photos and I couldn't be more proud to be apart of such a great fundraiser.  Our small group of 10 raised over $4000 and the event alone, at the Boise Knitting Factory, raised over $130,000 for Child Cancer Research. A- Mazing!  Currently the statistics show that only 4% of cancer research funding goes to children.  There is a major funding GAP http://www.stbaldricks.org/filling-the-funding-gap/.  If cancer research is near and dear to your heart - raise money for local events.  If any research or cause is dear to your heart - raise money for LOCAL events.  I cannot stress that enough!  I have learned so much over the past month and want to share whatever I can when it comes to cancer - Hence, my blog!

Cancer is the #2 killer in the United States and will affect over 1/2 of all Americans in their life time. Frankly, after going through this process thus far, I feel they only want to keep us "sick".  The Pharmaceutical business makes over $125 BILLION dollars off of cancer "treatments" a year.  Why on earth would they want to cure us???  The thought of all of this makes my blood boil, to be honest and I could sit here and get on my soap box all day long on this topic.  But at the end of the day, nothing will change.  A movement of people could not force the pad lock off the cancer cure door but instead we all rise up in support and raise research funding the best we can until there's "too much cure" that they cannot hide it from us any longer.  That is my hope!

I remember in the beginning when I had 20+ doctors visits; tests, scans, surgeries, classes, etc. how scary and interesting this whole process was.  But to a child, I cannot imagine.  I remember going in for my IV Port surgery and biopsy with the machines and injections that I had to go through that day... the one thought that got me through, was that there are children my son's ages who go through this exact ordeal and how scary that must be for them. They have to be stuck in the same huge machines that I do and poked and probed constantly like I was.  If THEY can do it - I can do it!  Being up on stage and having the announcer tell my brief story and why my head was getting a "touch up" was awesome and emotional.  I choked up and could have balled like a baby!  But sitting in front of me were several children going through chemo - I had to keep it together ... but not without dropping the F bomb once.  Oh my goodness how mortifying that was however I don't think they heard with all of the hustle and bustle going on!  My partner in crime on stage was Brenda, a friend I had met through my co-worker, and she had brought me onto her team "Bigger Than Baldness".  She shaves her head every year in honor of her sister who had cancer.  It was an experience I will never forget!  

 

My Family!

 

Our Team "Bigger Than Baldness" raised over $4000 for the the event!

 

 

My mini fan club ~ Logan & Luke

(they both have wads of candy in their mouths!)
Disclaimer - Candy is a rare occurrence for them ;)