Right Breast Mastectomy + Full Chest Expander Reconstruction

Saturday, November 1st 2014 - The Big Kahuna of all Breast Surgeries has ARRIVED! 

Let me start off by saying - This, I hope, is the worst of it.  I have never been in so much recovery discomfort/pain in comparison to all other surgeries before this one.  Which brings me back to those infamous drainage tubes!  Last time I had ONE tube for my Left Breast Mastectomy back in June.  That tube brought me to my knees twice.  There is something about a nice (LONG) playable tube inserted about 12 inches into your chest that can get on anyones last nerve - So this time, times that by 4.  Yup. 4 drainage tubes.  I dont care who you are... you will be on the floor at some point crying hysterically because it is too much to bare and you want them all PULLED OUT!!!  Ya know, the same feeling you get during the last week of pregnancy ... 

I had my surgery on Wednesday, October 22, 2014 @ 6AM.  I knew the drill and my nerves were pocketed this time.  My lovely Scott was with me and we both joked around, laughed with the doctors and teased like we do, to make light of the situation.  God, I love that man.  I had a good idea as to the surgical process & what was to be expected - However this time Id wake up with a reconstructed rack.  HA!  To my surprise, I did not.  Now, I knew the surgeon was only going to start my Chest Expanders out with minimal fluid... but not THAT minimal!  Sheesh.  Cut this small B chested woman a break and give me something to wake up to.  Unfortunately, I will have to go through a 1-3 month process of getting a needle inserted into each breast and have about 75cc's of saline injected every few weeks.  Once I'm comfortable with my size, they will go in and swap out my expanders for my new Silicone Implants!  

Interested in what was used for my reconstruction & the process - Watch this video! Alloderm - Chest Expander Process - They used a "cadaver hamic" called Alloderm that was sewn in my chest muscle in order to hold the new implant.  Its all very intriguing how they do this, honestly.  

I was released Thursday to go back home and pretty much do a whole lot of nothing for 2 weeks.  Unfortunately I cannot take that much time off so I settled for a week and some change!  II'll be returning to work on November 3rd and I am looking forward to it!  It really keeps my mind off things and I enjoy what I do.  The pain meds have been heaven sent and I have not been shy to use them this round.  When your chest feels like its locked in a metal vice bra 24-7, you take the drugs.  

Prescribed

Percocet - Pain 

Lorazepam - Muscle Relaxer, helps the clenching in the upper chest a TON

Cephalexin - Antibiotics / Every 6 hours like clockwork for about 2 weeks. Super Important that I do not have an infection.  

Tips & Tricks for the Drainage Tubes

With the Chest Expanders I am not allowed to wear a bralette or zip up medical bra (that I had with my mastectomy last time).  So improvising happened!  I took two fluffy socks, safety pinned them to my pants at each hip and tucked 2 drains into each one.  This helps tremendously in having to carry them around.  I was given a long necklace of some sort to hang around my neck to hold the drains - Not a chance!!  I tried it and wanted to faint. The weight around my neck and the necklace with the drains leaning on my chest was a no go.  Also, I thought wearing loose fitting tops would feel better - negative there as well.  The snuggier the shirt the better.  Im not talking super tight, but lightly snug.  It helps the drain tubes stay against your sides without them dangling & flopping around too much - which ends up irritating the stitches that are holding the tubes in place. Always pad your drain tube site.  After each shower, I take a folded piece of gauze and tape it over the drain site as a cushion - Brilliance at its finest right there!   

Creating the Breast 

In this photo, you can see how cleaned out and concaved my "cancer" breast is post Left Breast Mastectomy.  It was so hard for me to believe that a surgeon could make a breast from that.  After the Expander Surgery with very minimal Saline, you can see that my chest is starting to form a rounded contoured breast shape.  I am very happy with the result thus far! 

Breast Cancer Awareness Day!
And lastly, our boys are awesome!  For October 24th Breast Cancer Awareness Day, their school wanted everyone to wear pink.  So a week before surgery I bought some hot pink long sleeves and puffy paint!  I designed the front and they designed the back.  They sported these so proudly that day and it makes my heart smile HUGE to see this photo!!!  

It's All About The Hair AFTER Chemo!

Saturday, November 1st 2014 - Hair After Chemo 

5 Months Post Last Chemo Hair Growth

Top Left - June 10th 2014 through Bottom Right - October 5th 2014

If there is one thing I googled more often than not, after finding out that I would be losing my hair to chemo... It was how fast does it grow BACK?!!!  Well here is a great progress photo for those in the same position - And my answer to you is that it grows back fast, however NOT fast enough!  I would read and hear things like my hair would feel as soft as bunny fur while coming in - Negative. That definitely didn't happen for me.  My texture hasn't changed, still have the some old dirty dishwater blonde that I did growing up - Except with WAY more gray!  And with that being said, my 1st Hair Dresser appointment is already scheduled for November 23rd and I cannot be more excited to get some light blonde back into my life!!  

I didn't do anything to help this growth along.  A lot of sites and blogs suggested all of these vitamins, oils, shampoo's, etc. and I just went out and bought a natural/paraben & sulfate free shampoo and conditioner.  I only wash my hair every other day or every 3 days, as I have zero oil issues.  I do not use a blow dryer or flat iron on my hair either.  The maintenance is super quick and it tends to faux hawk at the top naturally, which my little boys seem to dig!  

People often ask if I'm going to keep it short because they think its cute & it "has to be easier to upkeep now"... Well my answer is a big 'ole HECK NO to that one!  I love hair that I can use a curling iron on and braid. I am so anxious to have my long blonde hair back, I can hardly stand it.  I reminisce over photos and try hard not to do that too often, as it makes me so sad.  I miss bribing either of my two sisters to brush it and play with it every time we have Sunday Family Dinner.  I keep thinking just one more year and I will have a decent head full, to feel girly again.  Right now, you throw some reading glasses on me with no make up & this short-do and I look like a 12 year old boy about to hit puberty.  Definitely done with this phase!!!  

Left Breast Mastectomy

Wednesday, July 25th - Left Breast "Under Construction"

 

The last 7 days, to be honest, have had a lot of “I hate everything” moments!  And I thought being on steroids was bad. Um No. Try going through your everyday life with a DRAINAGE TUBE in your chest, coming out of your side and stitched to your skin.  Holy heck – Those who’ve been there know exactly what I am preaching about.  Every time I think “this is the worst part”… something somehow trumps it.  And the drainage tube trumps a lot.  During a brief meltdown a few nights ago, I told Scott that “I will never complain about chemo hives ever again after experiencing this contraption.”  Poor guy, he seriously did not know how to comfort me during this hurtle and has not been able to give me a good solid hug since surgery.

 



Photo Disclaimer 

I feel like a hot mess and look like I need to eat a hamburger… or 5

 

 

On Wednesday, March 25th, I checked myself in to the hospital @ 10am for my Left Breast Mastectomy.  Scott accompanied me and then I was pleasantly surprised with a visit from my good friend Bradley!  We all sat in the waiting area cracking breast jokes and trying to get my mind off the inevitable.  At 10:30 they walked Scott & I back to the pre-op area and  I gowned-up and they accessed my IV Port for the IV, etc.  which was AWESOME!  I really do love my IV Port - and there truly is zero sarcasm in that statement.  However I look forward to the day it is gone because that will mean I am done with treatment!  So I hung out in the pre-op room with Scott until 12pm surgery time.  Dr. Prier stopped by and wrote her initials on my Left Boob and off I went.  Gotta love anesthesia.  Within 10 seconds I was out like a light and woke up 2 hours later in post-op.  They rolled me into my room and my family was waiting for me!  I don’t quite remember much of that evening due to the amazing morphine they doped me up with but I do know that I slept damn good that night.  Thursday I had to spend in the hospital until I was discharged in the early afternoon.  Before heading out I met with Dr. Prier and she said that my breast tissue slid off nicely which is a good sign.    

As I was lying in bed at home on Friday, I received a phone call at 10:45am from Dr. Prier – My pathology report from my breast tissue had come back and her exact words were “I have some great news!  Your report is in and there is zero cancer cells left in your breast tissue.  All that was left was very little scar tissue where your markers were placed on the tumor (during my core needed biopsy on 1/17) and the surrounding tissue did not test for cancer.”  I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   This was of coarse amazing news but I was so loosened up on Norco that I could hardly bounce off the walls let alone get up to use the restroom.  Still, after 5 days of receiving this news, it is very surreal and honestly unbelievable.  I am still in shock.

 

 

No-Boob Shocker - To poke fun of myself, I truly don’t see much of a difference considering how tiny my boobs already are!  But to be honest, it is a loss and I have my moments.  And for now I am allowing my body to heal rather than focus on the emotional aspect of the process.  I have to tell myself every day to look at my bandage and the tube coming out of my side for infection and changes in the area rather than focus on the fact that there is zero breast tissue and my nipple is gone and holy crap, couple that with a boyish buzz haircut and no makeup and I’ve got myself an emotional meltdown waiting to happen!!!  So I choose to compartmentalize and that works for me, for now. 

Mastectomy pain wise – This is a cake walk.  I had surgery on Wednesday and was back to work the following Monday.  I am not allowed to lift very much for about 2 weeks.  The area is tender and very numb which is such an odd feeling when getting examined.  There’s a lingering ache feeling in my chest but other than that, this has been an easy recovery.  I took pain meds for about 48hours after surgery and haven’t touched them or needed them since.  I have these sensations through the entire area of tingling and pinching and twitching, almost like the nerves are trying to connect to something that isn’t there. 

Drain & Drain Removal (TMI for those who want to know or are going through this) – My drainage flow was very little.  The first 48 hours I had about 25-35 ML of fluid but after that it tapered off quickly.  I am 7 days post-surgery and had my drain tube removed today because I couldn’t stand it anymore (and because I also maintained a 10-15 ML of fluid for more than 2 days which is a sign that it can be removed.)  Don’t read what the internet tells you.  Funny thing, I completely psyched myself out and read the bad stories of infection and painful removal.  For me, it took – literally – 3 seconds.  I counted.  I was on my back on the table, she snipped the stitch that was in my skin (did not feel this at all), pressed a gauze pad over the insertion site and gently pulled it out.  I felt pressure and that was that.  I was so excited to be free of that darn thing, it has been the highlight of my week!!!  The aftermath of the removal – So far it’s been 6 hours and I have an increase ache in my chest and this feeling as if fluid is “gurgling” under my skin.  I spoke to someone I know who had a drainage tube as well and she said she felt the same thing.

 

This bra is hanging in my doctors office!   Love it!!!

 

Left Breast Mastectomy Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a big day and frankly, writing about it makes me want to cry.  Tomorrow, I have a Left Breast Mastectomy.  Now, I can sit here and write all about how much this sucks and how I hate cancer and go into very morbid detail about how I truly feel in regards to losing a body part.  But I’m not going to because honestly, I will not know how this will impact me emotionally or how traumatized I will genuinely be until the procedure is done and I go home and have to live with having only 1 breast until reconstruction in October. Right now I am doing a lot of pre-mourning the loss of this body part and this surgery is the epitome of bitter-sweet.  On one hand I will receive a pathology report after the surgery is completed showing (I pray to God) that I am cancer free, plus the peace of mind knowing that the “home” of which my little asshole tumor occupied, is now demo’d and under construction.  On the other hand – I lose a boob.

So until I am home, on pain meds, left side boobless with the new nickname “righty” and bandaged up with a disgusting drainage tube coming out my side… I won’t be able to give an honest update about how I feel.  Until then!

Where Ive been so far - Where Im at & where I'm headed

15 – Doctor Visits to date

1 - Mammogram

1 - Ultrasound

1 - Core Needle Biopsy

1 – Breast MRI

1 – PET Scan

2 – Heart Echo

1 – ER Visit + CT Scan & Bloodwork

1 – Genetic Testing / BRCA1 BRCA2 TP53 Negative

6 – Cycles of Taxotere + Herceptin + Projeta

13 – More Herceptin’s to go

27 -  “What the F&^?%’s”

1,472 – Pages of Notes on Cancer and Side Effects

4 – Days of taking pain pills due to chemo, because I like self-torture

6 – Days of work missed while going through chemo… because again, I like self-torture

3 – Self Pity - I have Cancer - Parties

 

Surgery

Sentinel Node Biopsy + IV Port

Mastectomy – Left Breast 6/25

Mastectomy + Reconstruction + Chest Expanders – Planned for Oct 2014

Reconstruction with Breast Implants – Planned for January (or earlier)

IV Port Removal – February 2015

 

My 31st Birthday ~ June 2

 

Two weeks after my final chemo was finished, I was able to celebrate my 31st Birthday!  Damn it feels good.  Moving forward in life I will never view age as a depressing milestone.  Instead, it is a privilege to grow older and I have been humbled by this. 

I celebrated with my first alcohol beverage in 5+ months!  I definitely do NOT feel the same about casually drinking.  This health scare and the fact that I have not touched alcohol since diagnosis, by choice, has really changed my view on it.  I can see myself enjoying a nice ice cold cider while camping or for a special occasion but other than that I am done with liquor.  Let me tell you - I feel DAMN GOOD about this decision and its been an easy one make! Cheers to that!!

 

 

 Throughout this cancer journey I have met so many that do not know if they will make it to their next birthday.  A few months ago during a cancer class for my two young boys - I sat in a circle with another mom that has cancer and hearing her tell everyone "I am just trying to stay alive long enough for my little girl to have memories of me when she is older" tore through my heart.  I will NEVER forget her or how these words resonated with me.

 

 

 

6th & LAST CHEMO

Friday, May 23rd - 6th and Final Chemo

It has been a quick and crazy 3 weeks since my last chemo!!!  So much so that I had forgotten to document the most important part of the last 4 months. 

For Memorial Weekend I was able to celebrate more than just a holiday, but my last day sitting in a chair hooked up to an IV for hours on end.  I cant even begin to write down for you, how much this meant to me.  I was finally able to ring that "done with treatment" bell they have mounted on the wall in the Infusion Room. I cried.  I welled up with tears and just sobbed in front of my Mom, Scott and the entire nursing staff.  I did not expect the emotional release that this day gave me.  I cried when I woke up, cried after treatment and cried and cried for days after it was over with... 

I will no longer have to endure the bullshit that chemo dishes out and this is overwhelmingly amazing!  Granted, I am completely thankful for what it has done for me.  I could never say or write that I hate chemo, it feels so wrong to hate something that is - in essence - saving my life.  Chemotherapy is in fact the reason that I will continue to live a long and full life!  And here I am tearing up just thinking about this.  Oh man what an emotional rollercoaster this whole process has been! 

 

Throughout this, I managed to keep my cancer infested life off of Facebook.  For me, it was a personal decision to really leave the cancer at the hospital.  This has been good for me mentally and has helped me power through and have some sort of control over the situation.  With that said, I had made a 9 minute picture/video that documented the chemo process and what I went through.  I posted this on my FB page the last day of chemo and really appreciated the response I had received.  It was a bit therapeutic for me to do this and of coarse... I cried when I finished making the video and when I posted it for all to see.     

Shanna's Journey Through Chemo - VIDEO

 

 

Last Chemo T-Minus 4 days

 

Monday - May 19th - The Chemotional Home Stretch!   

 

It's finally here!  My last and final chemotherapy treatment this Friday, May 23rd.  I seriously cannot believe it!  Four months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and now - I hope and pray to God - I can say that I am NED (no evidence of disease) That all of these toxic chemicals being dumped into my body every 3rd week for the last 16 weeks have paid off and that my little asshole tumor has been obliterated to the fullest extent.  

 

In about 2 weeks I will go in for a breast MRI to see how well the treatment worked - And I have never been so hopeful AND fearful in my life.  In the beginning, being fully diagnosed was the most terrifying process I have ever been put through mentally & physically.  Then when chemo came along it was this unwelcomed battle plan of grin and bare it and you'll thank me later.  I've grinned - I've bared it - Through some shitty shit, let me tell you.  I act like this is all lollypops and rainbows but I assure you, I'm great at smiling.  After the 5th chemo, my body has given me the big F-You and I am still striving to recover from it.  Its hard to believe that there are individuals out there who do upwards of 20+ chemo cycles.  That is super human and I don't know how they do it.  I am so very thankful for my measly 6 and praying to God that this is all I will ever have to endure for the rest of my life. 

 

Now that this part of the process will be all said and done, I still have more to power through.  I meet with my surgeon Dr. Prier on June 30th to go over my bilateral mastectomy which will be scheduled within 2 weeks from seeing her.  Then I will have my reconstructive surgery in September/October some time.  All while still getting Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks until February 2015 and starting the oh so lovely Tamoxifen drug.  Definitely NOT looking forward to popping that pill every day...

 

In between I have SO MUCH to look forward to!  My 31st birthday is coming up on June 2nd - Scott and I are taking a trip to Southern CA to visit family and friends - Camping Trips planned - And all the wonderful Summer/Fall activities that Boise has to offer!  And lets not forget my hair growing back!!!!!!!!  I am beyond elated, I cant even describe :)  

 

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My finger nails (and a few toenails) are starting to die off.

Definitely on my list of "worst symptoms ever"

 

 My eyelashes and Eyebrows are hanging on for dear life! 

They are about half the thickness after 4 months of chemo.



Chemo Day - 5th Cycle / Scott turns 33!

Friday - May 2nd - Chemo Dose #5
 

 My Mom, Grandma Nancy & Sister Alicia!

 

Fifth one down - One to go!!!  This is definitely surreal to me and I am so ready to be done with chemotherapy.  I know that once this is complete, its only a fraction of the battle that I am fighting.  But I must say, its bittersweet... When I started this roller coaster ride, I was set with an action plan and with this plan I felt like I was being protected by chemo while going through the battle field.  As if every 3 weeks this insane army raided and ridded my body of the bad guy.  When chemo is all said and done I wont have the pending army ready and waiting to fight for me and this is a scary thought.  However, I am ready for the next phase of the action plan, double mastectomy 4-6 weeks post last chemo.  I am ready to start fighting on my own through my daily lifestyle.  I am ready to give the big middle finger to about 20 symptoms with zero remorse.  I. Am. Ready. 

 

The Doctor Appointment went great!  I had a heart ultrasound the Monday prior to my chemo to check and make sure that the left chamber of my heart is functioning properly.  Herceptin (one of the anti bodies I am on) affects the heart and its important to get checked after 90 days on Herceptin.  All is well and came back looking good!  I was very worried and even had a few meltdowns in-between the ultrasound and chemo.  But I got through it!  And of coarse Dr. Hodson always manages to make me feel like a champ when I see her.  Her affirmations get me through to the next appointment and I am so very thankful to have her as my oncologist!  Until next (and last) chemo...
 

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A BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my love Scott!  Today - May 9th - He turns 33!!

In the nineteen years we have known one another, we have been through SO much - and that still is an understatement.  However we are coming out on the other side happier, stronger and wiser!  In our "older" age we have learned to appreciate and love one another in a way that we could not have done earlier on.  I am beyond thankful for his love and patience and the amazing way he has shown his support and comfort through "sickness & in health."  There is so much to be said about someone through their actions during the hard times, that's when you know... and I am one lucky lady!  I know this.  For the first time I am content, even through cancer treatment.  I am aware of what fulfills me and makes me whole.  This is a priceless realization that I will not take for granted.  I cannot do this life without Scott and our little family.  Everyday I look forward to picking up our boys from school, listening to their day on the ride home, seeing them jump out of the car and onto their bikes as soon as we pull up, cooking dinner with Scott and talking about our day then cuddling on the couch to watch our weekly shows after the boys go to bed.  All the things that make him who he is - all the way down to the way we disagree - I would miss if it were gone.  I have learned a lot through this stage of my life and I am happy to learn and be humbled by this lesson on love.

MAY

Need I say more! 

Effects of Chemo

Chemo "awesomeness" #1,102

I thought I would make it through to the end without this lovely side effect! Nails dying off... Yup! As if the rest of the chemo symptoms weren't crappy enough. This one sucks. My fingertips are constantly sore & the redness you see is actually my skin pulling away from my nails. OUCH!!! I cant scratch anywhere when I have an itch & anything remotely putting pressure on my nails or tip of my fingers - hurts. 

At this point... All I can do is laugh! And knock on wood when I get pissy & say "what else NOW" ... 

Chemo Day - 4th Cycle

Friday - April 11th - Chemo Dose #4



This picture pretty much sums it up for me!!  4 down and only 2 left to go.  I had a pretty easy day in the chair and enjoyed some unbelievable hospital food (no joke) and time spent with my mom!  Scott took a break from work and surprised me with a visit as well!  It was a good day.  

Now, my appointment with my oncologist was the best part!  I had a list of questions going in and she answered them all - I just love her!  She has the toughest job, I personally feel, to deliver shitty news on a daily basis and see sick people get even sicker... no thank you.  But every time I meet with her, I feel better!  I always leave with a smile on my face and a more improved outlook on my future than I did walking in.  So here's the scoop!

 

 

* She checked my tumor (left boob) and cannot feel it AT ALL! Hallelujah!  Makes all of this chemo worth it - Let me tell ya!!!  

* She LOWERED MY CHEMO BY 5-8% for the last 3 treatments. Due to my tumor responding so awesomely, she felt the need to lower my chemo to help with my symptoms such as mucositis & neuropathy which have been a pain every treatment.

 

* She agreed to NO RADIATION!!! Since my lymph nodes came back negative, there is no need to go through that.

 

* She feels that my choice to go ahead with a Bilateral Mastectomy is a good one.  I am scheduled for a surgeon consult on June 30th.  I can have my surgery 4-6 weeks after my last chemo so we are looking at Mid July. 

 

* St. Al's is hiring a new surgeon in September for reconstructions.  She hears that its a GREAT surgeon and is very excited!  Projected reconstruction will be in Sept / Oct some time. 

 

* I have an issue with going on Hormone Therapy (Tamoxifen) for the next 5 years. I let her know that it doesn't sit well with me and her response is that its a preventative measure and "icing on the cake" since this drug helps prevent reoccurrence.  I can go on it and see how I feel, however if the symptoms interfere with my daily life I can stop it immediately.  Deal!  

 

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In other news!  I am living my life like I normally would.  The day after chemo I was out and about for my girlfriends 33rd birthday festivities!  Grant it, I do not last as long staying out in the evenings but I do my best and that is thankfully enough.  Not to mention Scott gets a built in DD now!  I have been alcohol free since the day of diagnosis (3 months ago) and its amazing how good it feels.  Oh man do I have a healthy hankering for a good Bloody Mary sometimes... but luckily Virgin Mary drinks taste exactly the same! 





Decision Central

Wednesday - April 9th - WWJD?  Heck if I know, he never had boobs!


I am at that point where I do not want to make any more decisions about my health, my future and my body.  I am frustrated and overwhelmed and want more than anything to go back to the way things were - When I was healthy.  Little did I know, when I was "healthy," I had a little asshole of a tumor growing but at least I was unaware.  Each time a prayer was said at the dinner table or in passing moments there was always a "... and thank you God for my health" somewhere in there.  I can no longer say that.  I have to thank God for catching a disease early enough so I can stay alive.  Now, future praying will include a "please God do not have me go through this hell again..."  Funny how that changes over night. 

Lately, my mind has been consumed with bilateral mastectomy information and hormonal therapy choices.  Do I want to remove both of my breasts and call it a day - Not necessarily.  Do I want to go through radiation and hope to God that I don't suffer any long term side effects - No.  Do I want to be on hormone therapy for 5 years, that comes with another laundry list of side effects?  Heck no.  Would all of these choices increase my chance of living a long and fulfilling life - Yes.  So what would you do!?!  Its overwhelming, I know. 

I have my moments (and today is one of them) where I want my long blonde hair back.  I want to have the annoying task of shaving my legs every week and sweating my butt off because I just had to spend 15 minutes blow drying & straightening my hair.  The things I found annoyance in, will never be the same.  After all of this is said and done I will be happy that my mascara is all over my eyelids because my eyelashes are too long and thick again.  I will appreciate that my left eyebrow arches perfectly without any help and my right one chooses to grow stick straight.  And I will down right embrace the crap out of my 80's rock n roll hair that my dad gave me!  Life will truly never be the same for me - After I kick cancers ass. 

I will tell you what I know now - today - and that is, I have chosen to do a Bilateral Mastectomy + Reconstructive surgery regardless of my BRCA gene findings.  This decision was difficult to make and there are several factors as to why I have chosen this route.  But in a nutshell for me, its a peace of mind.  If I undergo a lumpectomy + radiation, yes I conserve my breast but at what cost?  Radiation has some very unfavorable long term symptoms.  With a complete bilateral mastectomy, I am removing the site at which a reoccurrence can happen.  If a reoccurrence were to happen 5 years from now, I want to be able to look back to this moment and know that I did everything I could to prevent this from happening again - With that being said, I would only feel that way if I had a bilateral mastectomy.  It will not be a pretty process or a cheap one but its the price I pay for my life and I am completely content with that!

Chemo Day - 3rd Cycle

Friday - March 21st - Chemo Dose # 3

 

I spoke too soon or didn't knock on a wooden table, that is for sure.  Third dose - Not fun.  The infusion day itself was fine and I felt good walking out of there but by Sunday I was feeling the list of symptoms creeping up.  About two days too early if you ask me.  There is nothing regular, normal or consistent about this process - that is for certain!  And apparently to the outside world I am making this chemotherapy thing look easy.  I get consistently complimented on how well I look and how well I am doing and how well I am taking in all of this cancer crap and honestly... I put on a good front.  Really, I do.  On my bad weeks I would seriously like to crawl under a rock and place a sign outside saying "Leave me the f$@# alone until 10 days post chemo - Its for your own good - Thanks"  but instead I buck the heck up, take 1 measly day off from work to "recoup" and grin and bare it through a laundry list of symptoms you would not wish on your enemy (or would, who knows) - AND I obsessively smile. 

 This is my nature and I cant help it!!  Some may think that its unhealthy or freakin' awesome that I can smile my way through this but I would prefer not to depress the every day people in my life with my cancer.  Hence this blog!  Id rather dish it out here and when you feel like reading about it - Great!!  I'm happy to inform you of anything you'd like to know, the good the bad and seriously so un-pretty.   CANCER flat out SUCKS. Who cares what chemo does to me physically, I can deal with all of that.  At the end of the day, every single day, sometimes multiple times a day its what this process does to me mentally.  I am reminded constantly that I could die if I don't go through with all of this.  Who wants to live like that?  I do my best but some days are more difficult.  Having two little boys is both a blessing and a heart ache while going through this ordeal.  Some days they are what get me through the bad moments & they are the reason I fight so hard... and other times I look at them and my heart hurts thinking that if chemo doesn't work and there is a reoccurrence in the future, they may live a life without me.  The rollercoaster this disease puts you on is ruthless!

... What gets me through is Scott - My sons - My Family - My Friends and LOOKING FORWARD!  I have this huge desk calendar at my office and I use a bright pink happy pen, I mark all of the birthdays for the month, I jot down my date nights, Concerts, PAID days and I sure as heck draw fancy swirls and highlight the shit out of CHEMO DAY!!!  Because I know the day before chemo I will have an amazing facial to get me relaxed & ready for what's to come - and I know that the 1 day off that I do take post chemo, I get to spend alone with Scott... going to breakfast, watching movies and relaxing, just us two!  These little things get me through.      

Symptoms this round:
* Burnt Mouth / Tongue - Biotene Helps / Nimbus Toothbrush's are the best  
* Lack of Taste Buds (I hate this symptom! I am such a foodie) - Nothing helps
* Mucositis / Hives / Inflammation ALL in the downstairs area (TMI) - Benadryl works somewhat
* Mild Headaches - Tough it out with Tylenol (NO IBU)
* Deep Bone and Muscle Ache - Norco
* Nausea - Queasy Drops + Medication
* CONSTANT FATIGUE - Sleep
* Finger Tips and Toes are extremely sore, feels like they've been shut in a car door
* Acid Reflux / Indigestion / Heartburn - Omeprozal + Pepcid AC
* Hot Flashes Galore which causes major lack of sleep

 

 

****************

In other news! 

 

We split the boys up on Sunday for some 1-on-1 Day Date time!  It was so much fun and well needed.  Scott took Logan to the Owyhee River at the border of OR and ID for some fishing and shooting (not my fave but boys will be boys!)  Logan came home with the BIGGEST SMILE on his face and all lit up like a firecracker.  They had a blast! 

I asked Luke what he would like to do and in mellow Luke-E-Do fashion, my 5 year old wanted to go sip hot cocoa at his favorite coffee shop!  The kid cracks me up and is SO like his mother!!  After, we headed on over to our favorite arcade - Grinkers.  That place is such a blast and the cheapest fun ever!

Scott & I (and my schnazzy wig) on date night Saturday :)  It is so nice to get out sometimes but man I am down for the count by 10pm.  We cut out of the festivities early, grabbed dessert and sat up and talked!  All those virgin Bloody Mary's did me in and I was paying for it all day on Sunday - Go figure!

Wigin' Out!

Wednesday - March 19th - Having a bad "bald" day!

My Real Hair                     My New Wig!

 

Not too shabby for a fake head of hair!  I am completely jazzed on the quality and volume and how comfortable it is to wear!!!  I was having a bad "bald" day and luckily had a wig consultation scheduled for that evening.  I met my mom at the shop and spent about an hour and a half trying on wigs!  It was so much fun to play around with different styles but at the end of the day, I just wanted my old hair back.  So that's what I went with!  The most true to form wig I could get my hands on and I am so happy I did.  I think for me, staying inside the box on this purchase was a good thing.  This wig makes me feel like "me" again and I couldn't be happier!  

I went into this chemo ordeal thinking there's no way I'm going to put fake hair on my head.  NOPE. Not happening.  But after being bald for about a month (and constantly freezing my butt off!) I thought Id give it a try.  My wig specialist Pam made me feel very comfortable and I was pleasantly surprised with how relieved I felt after I put on a head of hair!  I don't think my smile could have gotten any wider. I FELT like a woman again!  I got home and could not stop brushing, styling  & smiling.  I am so thrilled to have a head of hair on days where I don't want to be bald or have the public take 2nd glances when they see me walk by.  It gets old & the shock value I found hilarity in, is now gone... I cannot stress enough how normal I want to feel and THIS wig is the answer to my prayers!

Wig Specs
http://customizedhair.net/
Consult with Pam  
Synthetic - Medium Blonde w/ highlights - Long / Size 23
$150 for the Wig
+ Additional for Shampoo / Conditioner / Leave In Conditioner / Styling Spray





Chemo Day - 2nd Cycle

Friday - February 28th - Chemo Dose # 2

I had missed posting about my 2nd dose of chemo on February 28th!  I hadn't realized until now, when my 3rd dose is right around the corner... I blame chemo brain.  Seriously. Forgetting things happens more often than not these days.  Unfortunately my work is suffering for it and sticky notes & calendars have become my closest companion! 

The 2nd chemo infusion was a breeze.  No joke!  I cannot believe I just wrote "a breeze + chemo" in the same sentence but I'd be lying if I said that it was just as awful as the 1st dose.  I definitely have this down - I pack my cute chemo tote with movies, magazines, slippers & candy and hunker down in the infusion chair for 3 hours to enjoy some peace out time with my mom and whomever wants to tag along! 

What was different:
* My dose was lowered by 10% due to the intense reaction the first time
* I started my steroid prescription on time (the day before chemo) 
* Took Benadryl pills the morning of chemo so I didn't have a bad Herceptin reaction 
* They started the Projeta 1st - Then Herceptin - And "best for last" Taxotere (chemo)
* Drank water like a fish the days leading up to chemo - VERY IMPORTANT!

I was a bit fatigued once the Taxotere drip started but when the infusion was done, I hopped out of bed, laced up my shoes and got the heck outta there with zero delay!  Headed home, made dinner & even vacuumed the house.  FAR CRY from dose #1 that is for sure!  After steroids the day before - day of - day after - by Monday night I was coming down with the aches once the steroids wore off.  By Tuesday I woke up feeling like I fell out of a 3 story building and landed flat on my back (took the day off work).  The body ache is unlike anything I have felt in my life & my bones just outright hurt - This is when my good friend NORCO comes in!!  After an hour or so I start to feel functional and need to move around.  Moving my body and making sure to just walk is actually very helpful rather than posting up in bed all day.  I ended up walking the mall that day, top and bottom and by the evening I could have crawled under a rock.  Instead we headed to our CLIMB class at the hospital for the boys and they had a great time once again! 

I somehow kept my emotional breakdowns to just 1 for the week.  I had dropped the boys off at school before I headed into work and when my youngest leaned over to hug me, everywhere he had touched just hurt.  My body felt bruised and I just needed him to not hug so hard.  That was it for me, I cried like a baby on my way to work and called Scott and my Mom to commiserate.  It broke my heart that I couldn't take in a hug from my child.  The worst. Feeling. Ever. And it broke me down.   

By Wednesday I was feeling better and continued to go up hill from there.  My symptoms were very well existent but managed this round with my army of prescriptions, vitamins, etc.  I had this down and was not going to be defeated this time, nor show up at my doctors office crying for help again!!!  With that said, it was in fact by far a lot easier than my 1st time.  And NO FACE BREAKOUTS!  Oh dear gawd was I nervous about this.  I had a wonderful Oxygen Facial from the amazing Theresa at Blessence the day before chemo and was on my skin regimen like white on rice to avoid that horrific inflammation and blistering again.  I will take on any symptom but NOT THAT again!   

I had finally accepted some dinner help and so happy I did and thankful for those who came by with a meal for us during that week.  I try very hard to work 40 hours the week after chemo and by the time I'm home, standing up to cook dinner for all of us is the last thing I am capable of doing.  It was SUCH a relief to know that I didn't have to cook!  A huge thank you to those who stepped in and did this for our family - You are so very appreciated, more than you know!!! Having to accept help is a very difficult thing to do.  I don't know about you, but I would rather do something myself than ask for help because its difficult to relinquish a duty that I feel I should be doing - regardless of my ability to do so.  Its a mom thing I suppose!  But this is the best time than any, to give it up and let go of the reigns.  The support and love I have all around me has been a driving force and my Thank You's cannot come out of my mouth fast enough  <3 

 

My good friend Sarah stopping by for Chemo Day!